Hot damn, I have not written in awhile. I don't really have much to say.

Hmmm. Over Thanksgiving Break a lot of unnecessary drama ensued between Mollie, the crew, and myself. I take full responsibility for my actions that was part of the drama, but that is water under the bridge now. I realized that I'm very thankful for having Lee, Catherine, Noah, Diana, and Angie in my life. Particularly, Lee, Catherine, and Angie. If I didn't have them as my family here at Colgate, I probably still wouldn't be here so I'm so grateful for having them in my life. At home and in my life I'm really grateful for Bashiyra, Leo, Kari, and Mollie. I was actually thinking about this in the shower again tonight. I'm grateful for Mollie although we're not really on the best of terms right now, but I am grateful for her. I think people come into your life for your reason and sometimes they have to leave temporarily or permanently, which is the nature of life, right? I'm grateful for the close friendship we had through high school and for the loving relationship we shared for 11 months, although it was filled with a lot of downs and many ups, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for the fact that she helped me to grow in ways I probably would not have done alone for years, and I'm glad that I've become a much better person because of knowing her.

With that said, I do hope that one day Mollie and I can become friends again, I do. I hope she's doing well and I wish her and Raenaa the best, although it does not exactly make me the happiest person, but I guess that's too be expected as well.

I love Bashiyra and Leo and I'm glad that they are in my life. Bashiyra's been my best friend since the 7th grade, so we have quite the history. And when I can't find the strength to be positive in dark times, Bashiyra has always had my back. Leo to me is like... the sun that comes through the clouds in my life. Especially last year, at times when I felt I could not reach out to Mollie because of problems she was having of her own, I often turned to Leo for consultation and a therapy of sorts.

You know when you can feel yourself changing but you don't know how? That's how I feel, except, I'm noticing the changes because others are noticing them. I've found that I don't have the patience I did last year at all. I guess it's because I've become more assertive as time has gone on and I think that over the summer, I found a bit of my voice and I'm continuing to find it. I've come to the point now that, although I do have patience, I don't have high tolerance for certain behaviors, and last year while I hesitated to call people out on their bullshit and the ways in which they've hurt me or others, I am no longer hesitant and I no longer put up with a lot of people's bullshit. I just can't seem to handle it this year.

I've also noticed that it's become easier to express my emotions towards other people. I used to have problems telling people that I loved them or missed them, but now I'm really making it a point to work on that. I've found that I've become a lot less self-centered. Only when I really need to rant to someone do I talk about myself, and I always make sure it's ok with them. Now, I'm really just focusing on other people and other's people's needs as much as I can. I ask people how they're feeling and doing, etc etc. I want to know more about them, I already know enough about myself. I guess in that way I've become a lot more selfless and I've become the better for it.

Although I'm still hurt by the breakup with Mollie, I'm also thankful. It's given me a lot of time for self-reflection which I'm really beginning to joy and looking back on mistakes I've made and actually holding myself accountable for them has made a big difference in my life. That's changed as well. I'm actually holding myself accountable more for my actions instead of making excuses and I'm doing the same for other people. I also realized that I'm no longer concerned with drama, you know? And I decided that I'm really going to try to not partake in it anymore. I'm going to stop being melo-dramatic with a lot of things because I know I do do that a lot, and I'm just going to be a mature person and not act like a child. Those are my personal goals.

Other than all this self-reflective thinking, I've been doing really really well. I got accepted to the Spring Immersion Fellowship for over spring break. Hopefully I can still make it to the Nat'l Young Feminists Leadership Conference. I'm working with Advocates (our GSA) for Big Gay Weekend. I'm just doing me and feeling good. I'm going out with Diana tomorrow which should be fun. We had a little arts and crafts date today and made one another bracelets. I just feel that right now, not being in a relationship is the best decision for me, honestly. I feel a lot happier this way. I think I just need this time to really figure things out and become more comfortable with myself.

Speaking about becoming comfortable, ever since I started writing my column for Intuit, I've had other students coming up to me and telling me how brave they think I am for telling my story and how much they respect me. Along with other students, I feel that this year we're really doing all we can to make this campus a more accepting place for everyone. Recently I was talking to Keegan, a mutual friend of mine through Mollie and he told me that he really thought I was doing great things on campus to make it a better place for queer students, that meant a lot to me as well. I just don't want anyone to feel the way I felt last year, because it was a horrible feeling. And over the summer I decided that when I came back to Colgate I was going to be as open as I possibly could with anyone, because I couldn't just... not be myself. I admire people who can continue living their lives in the closet for so long, that's bravery right there. It's rough.

Also, my relationship with my mother has matured as well. She is now bugging me a lot less about "gay" things and I think she's getting used to my sexuality more. My father corrected her over Thanksgiving break when she said she hoped that I got married to a wonderful young man. My dad was like, "or young woman". That meant a lot to me. It did.

What else? Oh yes. I've been thinking a lot about winter break and how that will go. Over Thanksgiving break Mollie told me that she'd be bringing Raenaa home with her. I don't know what the crew will be doing about that, but I most likely will not be hanging out with Mollie and Raenaa at all. Not out of spite, just out of general awkwardness. I don't think it's the best idea to have your ex and current girlfriend in the same location anyway, but that's just me. So, I think I'm going to get Mollie a birthday gift. Her 18th birthday will be coming up in December and although I have not been really speaking with her, I would not miss her birthday for the world. I'm not sure what I'm going to get her yet, but I think the card I write to her will have a little note or letter type-deal inside of it. I don't know what I'll write, but I'll think of something.

I'm just going to take each day as it comes. That's my new attitude. I'm just feeling really optimistic about everything and I feel positive changes just coming at me from all directions. I feel grateful and blessed. I can't wait to see where everything goes from here.

Oh hot damn, life has been treating me very very verrrry well. Let's see... Halloween Noah and I went to go see the Rocky Horror Picture show, and shouted out all the lines and brought the fixings along. That was a lot of fun. It was family weekend so earlier that day we heard Tony Blair speak for the Global Leaders Lecture Series. Later on, my sister slept over and we went to a haunted house and went trick-or-treating and whatnot. I was Jimi Hendrix. It just seemed to fit, especially since my afro's kinda big now. I love it.

What else? Oh yes, so I've been hanging with Noah a lot and doing things, which has been fun. I told him that I really like this girl Diana, and he knows I like her so I've been hanging out with both of them a lot. Diana's just precious, and at the LAMBDA meeting she would not stop flirting. It was so cute, I couldn't help but flirt back. So, this Thursday we're going to Xbar ( the gay bar) again... hopefully I can wake up for class in the morning. I had dinner with Diana last night and breakfast with her Sunday morning. She's really awesome. Intelligent, funny, cute as a button, and just all around amazing. She's really... *swoon*

Alrighty. So I wrote some other time about my friend Angie being sexually assaulted. Well, on Wednesday I'm having a speakout for her during like the busiest time of the day on campus, and 350 people already responded and said they'd be in attendance. Aaamazing! I'm really glad we could get this together. Now, we just need to start working on Vagina Monologues and get everything ready for Finesse of Tress.

Oh, this weekend was fun. So, on Friday and Saturday all I did was work work work work, like a lunatic. Saturday night however, I went out and partied. Dancing, dancing, and more dancing. And then I ate food with Noah and we talked politics. Oh, and we watched Family Guy, that was fun too.

I haven't been able to do a debate tournament in awhile. We couldn't have one last weekend because of Family Weekend, and we couldn't have a home on this weekend. So, I guess the next one will be next weekend... Maybe.

What else? Oh yeah. So, I don't think I'm in any rush to have a relationship with anyone. I just feel like I need time to focus on myself and figure out who and what I really want. A big factor is the fact that I won't be here next semester. I'll be in Manchester, England (YAY!)... and I may be abroad spring semester in D.C. as well... I'm applying for that now. If I don't get to the D.C. study abroad for spring semester next year, I'll try to go for my senior year instead. If I did the D.C. study group, I'd get my seminar out of the way and get four credits for political science, so I'd basically be done with the major. I'd also get an internship at any place I chose... we have Colgate alumni at HRC, ACLU, NCLR, the National Black Justice Coalition. That's what I really want, that internship. Because a lot of political science alumni have gone to the Washington Study Group, and have come out of it with solid jobs for right after graduation. That would be fucking awesome.

Yeah, so I'm not really looking into dating. But being able to have a cuddle buddy is really nice. I find it cool that Noah doesn't really seem to mind Diana. Like, we've talked about it a lot and he doesn't care. Diana doesn't care about Noah either. Maybe it's because it's very non-committal, but they don't participate in the hookup culture anyway, so I don't really worry about all that. It's just nice. And hanging with them both at the same time is the most fun.

What else? Oh, NY is voting on Marriage Equality tomorrow. I went to a rally two days ago, and I've been calling the senators from here and Newburgh like crazy. I'm pretty positive they're really tired of me now. 

Oh, I forgot. Family Weekend was very... interesting. My mom saw like my gay pride and bisexual pride flags on my wall because I have like the really large, jumbo-sized ones. So, she saw them and she was just like... so you're a lot more comfortable with your sexuality now? And I was like yeah, I really am. She said it's something that she can see, like it just radiates from me or something. So I talked freely with her about Noah and Diana and whatnot. It was really nice. Oh, and she said she thinks I should cut my afro and wear it short like I had it before. I found that surprising and told her so. She was like, I loved it so much when it was shorter. And I was like, oh really? You definitely told me I looked like a black dyke. That's definitely what she said, and she was like... I don't remember saying that. It's nice that she's slowly but surely coming to terms with my sexuality. It's nice finally feeling like I can be myself.

I was reading my journals from jr. high last night and I realized, that I've really liked men and women since... 6th, 7th grade-ish. It's interesting. I think I always knew I did, but I never had to actually confront it head-on. Maybe that's what made things so difficult for Mollie and I from my end, confronting it head-on, at a really turbulent time. Because first semester freshman year was fucking hell, it sucked ass.

Anyway, I hope Mollie's doing well. Someone told me that on her Facebook she's in a relationship. That's nice. I just hope it works out for her and that she's happy. That's all I really have to say about that. I know I'm happy, so I hope she's happy too and I hope that R-girl treats her well and doesn't hurt her.

That's that. And now I'm going to peace out and go do my work.

 So apparently I don't have the flu, I have a virus but no one knows what it is. But I've been advised not to go to class at all or leave my room so I've basically been here all day. Noah came by to visit me earlier, which is really sweet considering he himself could get sick. 

I think I'm gonna go get my tragus pierced in two weeks. My fam is coming up this weekend and we're going to see Tony Blair... am I excited about Tony Blair yet? No. Seeing my fam and Agatha YES! Yeah, I'll get my tragus pierced in two weeks or maybe next weekend. I'm going to see Bashiyra the weekend of the 7th... Yeah. So I'll get it done in two weeks. Hurray! I've been waiting for it for so long. I'm ready.

The Hates Crimes Bill was signed into law by Obama today, so I'm really really happy about that. What else? Oh yes, I was talking to my dad on the phone like an hour ago and he told me he ran into Mollie the other day or yesterday while he was on his lunch break. And he was like yeah, she seems to have changed a lot, and then he went on to talk about how he was sorry we weren't talking anymore blah blah blah. I remember when I first told him what happened he was pissed, but he thinks I've made the right decision and I think I have to. Yeah, so that was odd. I'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks she's changed a lot, most of our friends think she has as well. It's pretty sad. LAME.

Ok, time to finish watching House.

Peace out.

 I'm supposed to be in class right now, but I'm not because I have a fever. So I'm sitting here in my bed about to take a nap. I decided to write, though, to get some feelings off my chest.

Mollie texted me last night asking that if she sent me something (presumably my sweatshirt), would I pay her back. I said she could just wait until we were both in Newburgh and she said that she takes the train home and packs light. To which I replied that it was just a sweatshirt and she could give it to me whenever she's ready because I honestly don't care anymore. So then she said that she can't believe that we were in love and now we're not and that we were best friends and now we're barely acquaintances. I said that that's just what happens sometimes given these situations and that we could be best friends again one day, but there needs to be trust first. Then she said for me not to be dramatic and that it was hard for her too. And I was like, oh well you seem to be doing just dandy. And then she was like we barely speak so I don't know how you'd know that, plus, YOU seem to be doing fine. So I told her I heard from Nory and she said that she barely speaks to Nory and when she does they don't talk about how her doing so I shouldn't assume anything from that. So I was like, ok well good luck with your midterms if you have any and then I asked how she was actually doing. She said that I didn't really care so she wouldn't tell me. And I was like no I'm being serious, so she told me that she's well and she's trying to *forget* about me and that it's really difficult so she probably shouldn't be talking to me right now. So I was like, alright fair enough, Night Mollie to which she never responded.

After our conversation, if you can even call it that, I realized a number of things:

1. Ever since Mollie did this, whatever anyone wants to call it because I know what I think it is, I haven't been able to trust anyone that I could even remotely be in any kind of intimate relationship with. This includes Amber, Even, and Noah. That's sad.

2. After our conversation I cried for the first time since this all took place. First time I cried and it made me feel like a pathetic piece of shit.

3. I've had Mollie's pillow under my bed since everything happened because everytime I get so angry at what's happened because of what she did.

4. I do take responsibility for the bad times we had during our relationship, though I believe we both played certain parts in that, but I do not feel guilty about the way I'm reacting now and I won't be made to feel guilty by anyone.

5. Everytime I try to muster up some trust for her, I just can't. I want to and I want to be best friends with her again... I don't want us to be like strangers, which is basically what we are now. But I truly don't know her anymore, and I certainly don't trust her anymore, that's probably why it feels as though we're barely acquaintances or strangers.

6. I don't want to know about anything she's doing right now because I'm trying to move on myself, and I don't need a constant reminder of why my hearts always aching.

7. I feel perfectly fine, but I still get sad from time-to-time. It's not something that I always think about, if I did that I wouldn't be moving on.

8. It's not the best feeling in the world when you think something's going great and the person you're in love with basically tells you that they don't want you anymore, and then you find out that they apparently cheated on you. Not a good feeling at all. And I would be a fool to sit around acting like I'm trying to hold onto anything worthwhile since she apparently moved on to that suitemate girl of hers.

9. I realized last night that Mollie's probably the only person in the world that I would ever think of dropping everything for again. Like, it's hard to explain, but if she were to I don't know, call me up and be like heyyy I was totally wrong and I made a mistake. My dumb pathetic ass would most likely be all hunky-dory to be with her again. That's pathetic, so I never think about that. I mean, although she did me all types of wrong, I still have a lot of love in my heart for her, and I worry about her all the time, but yeah no.

10. Another reason why I'm hesitant to trust her again is because I don't want to get hurt or have my trust betrayed again. I'm never setting myself up for that situation ever with anyone because it hurts too damn much. I thought it had ended with David, but apparently I was wrong.

11. I'm interested to see what will happen over winter break. I'm not sure I should see her at all because I'll either break down and cry for an extremely long time or I'll just end up cursing her ass out. I want neither events to happen, so we'll see how I am then.

Yeah, those are the things I thought of last night. I don't deny that things are probably hard for her, but as it sounded that day she told me and the days following, it doesn't sound like she cares much. She doesn't think she did anything wrong to begin  with, so what's the point of me talking to her about it. I'd talk to her, but I don't have anything to say to her right now. I don't know her, I don't trust her. What talk is there to make but small talk?

I don't want to seem dramatic. But in a sense she did lose someone who should currently be an important part of her life. And when/if we do return to that point of friendship we were at before, she'll find that I'm not the same Dena who left for school back in August. I'm very different and I will probably be very... locked off to trusting people. I guess that's just what happens sometimes.

Now, after that release, I'm going to take my sick behind to sleep.

Peace out.

 Damn. My head is killing me.

So, today I led my first queer safe zone training. It's to get people acquainted with different lbtq terminology and also to teach students on campus how to be active and visible allies to the queer community. That was A LOT of fun. I definitely couldn't see myself doing this around this same time last year, but how far I've come. Yay!

I'm working with Cat still to figure out who we're bringing for Big Gay Weekend next semester. We're looking into Lenelle Moise or Andrea Gibson as performers, Dan Choi or Margaret Cho as a speaker. We're really aiming for some queer people of color. I spoke with a representative from the ACLU branch in NYC to have someone come up and speak on some legal issues pertaining to queer people. What else, oh yes, we're looking at a lot of different options right now. Perhaps having a queercore band to perform along with a spoken word artist would be great. And we're looking towards Brave New Voices to get the two women who performed the transgender piece "Hir". That would be freaking awesome. 

Yesterday was amazing, but last night was not as good as it could've been. Yesterday my entire women's studies class went to the Vulvagraphics event. It was amazing. My Professor is one of the co-founders of this coalition called the New View Campaign which is fighting against the medicalization of women's and men's sex lives. So, I got to present some research I did last year on female genital mutilation and how it parallels female genital surgery here in America and Europe. It was interesting and I was not shocked in the least that many of the other feminists there shared the same view. It was very empowering and refreshing to be in that feminist space with like-minded women and men sharing our thoughts, what it eventually became was a conciousness-raising session. Which was really amazing. It was held in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I adore Brooklyn, but I've never visited Williamsburg before. It's amazing and it's everything I'd want in a future location after graduation. It reminded me of the village but it's less expensive and a lot less mainstream. Also, it's like Manhattan with chic restaurants and living spaces but cheaper. It's very bohemian/hipster-ish which I really liked. I definitely want to live there after college, assuming it's still in the same price range as far as apartments go.

So last night after the trip was kinda bad. We left after eating at this really amazing Thai restaurant and meeting my Professor's partner and baby girl ( very cute). We wrote these Colgatelog things which is a play off of the Vagina Monologues. Mine was about sharing my first sexual experience with a girl, what it meant to me then and now and like sexuality, etc. Anyway, I read mine out loud and outed myself. And actually, I didn't really care at all because I've been gauging my class for awhile now and they're all extremely accepting and supportive so that went very well. Anyway, I got a lot of motion sickness on the bus and we didn't get back at Colgate until like... 12ish. Then, I have a fever all night long, took some Aleve, woke up at 10 and still had the fever. It broke around 10:30 and I went to go email my professor and it turns out she canceled the class. So that was nice.

Oy. I really love being a queer presence on campus now. It makes me experience here a lot more enjoyable. I guess I can see why people feel so much better after they've come out. Woo.

And now, I'm annoyed. Mollie just texted me asking if, if she shipped stuff would I pay her back. I told her that she can just give it to me in Newburgh, which is exactly what I'm planning to do because I don't have the patience or time to be shipping stuff back to her. I have other things to worry about. Plus, it's a damn sweater. She'll be fine and that's that. Whaaaaaatever.

Now, off to read. Peace out.

 Oh lord, where to begin.

I just got back from this social justice workshop headed by Constance Jackson, a writer, producer, and director from Permanent Productions, Inc. It was interesting we identified how the agency of agents of change has evolved from the 19th to the 21st century. We talked of Ghandi, Desmond Tutu, MLK Jr., Malcolm Z, Harvey Milk, Tammy Baldwin, etc. Then we talked about different groups and I got to lead the discussion about NOW and the National Woman's Party headed by Alice Paul. That was a lot of fun. Anyway, after the workshop ended ( it was three hours long), I talked to Constance and her partner Michelle... they reminded me a lot of what was once Mollie and I. But that's besides the point, anyway I was talking to them about wanting to do social justice work when I graduate and whatnot. So they gave me all these sites and gave me their contact information and whatnot and said I could contact them about internships because her production company focuses on issues pertaining to women and children. That was exciting.

Oh, I just found out that I can go to the Conference on White Privilege in April. I can't wait! I wonder if Tim Wise will be speaking there, I know the Southern Poverty Law Center will probably be there so I'm going to try to connect with them. Hmm. What else? I think that's it for good news.
 
So, I can't spend tomorrow with Noah because he had a debate tournament against Harvard. We're both on the debate team, but I haven't gone to a tournament sinceeee 3 weeks ago because I've been sick and a little too busy. I'm excited that he's going, but I wish he were going to be here. So, to make up for tomorrow we're going out tonight to see Saw 6 ( I'm really glad that he likes scary movies) and we're going out for dinner. 

Life is very very good right now. I do miss Mollie and whatnot, as a friend and more, but I can't change what's happened soooo I just won't think about that. I'll focus on what's positive right now: school, activism on campus, my friends, and Noah. That's what's positive right now, so I'm happy. Very happy =).

I just totally need to say, Professor Spires is the most wonderful man in the world. We're going to begin reading The Souls of Black Folk tomorrow in class, and he wanted to gauge how I felt about speaking and whatnot. Being that I'm the only student of color in that class (go figure, right?) he said that I'll probably hear some very ignorant comments (not surprising) and that I don't need to feel obligated to "answer for my race" or anything. We talked about that for a really long time after I took my mid-term. Speaking of which, that was my last one and on all of the others, I got As again, which is awesome.

I am so ready to leave this campus and go abroad. We register for classes the first week of November which is really really soon. Damn. Anyway, I'll be taking the class for Ulla's extended studies which is on the Scandinavian welfare state: a gendered perspective, the gender, sexuality, and law course; another women's studies course, and the psychology of oppression!! Woot woot. I'm mad excited.

Second to last thing, so I'm working on this sexual assault awareness campaign with a huge group of women and men. In August one of my very close friends was sexually assualted, attempted to prosecute this dude in the way the school tells you to and I still see this fool everyday on campus. I want to kill him because she'll never be able to forget this and half of the people he's friends with don't believe he sexually assaulted her. I want to kill him because there's no room on this campus for sexual assaulters or rapists, not on my watch. Luckily, this woman is extremely vocal, in ways most women can't be. So, I'm working with her and with other men and women to raise awareness. Next month I'm going to be facilitating a number of brown bags on sexual assault and we're going to be doing some sexual assault workshops and I finally got myself to that point where I've been asked to be on the panel for revamping the sexual harassment policy which is a great honor. Hopefully, before she graduates and I go abroad this year, we can make a shitload of change.

You know, running around being a feminist activist is very draining. Even Spires realized it, which was interesting. I need a break, and that's what the weekend's for. Yay, and I get to spend time with Noah this weekend. That makes Dena a very happy girl. Woot.

Oh, last thing, I was just talking to my dad and he said that now in NYC, specifically the Harlem area, it's the initiation period for the Bloods and Crips and that the police have been warning about being aware of surroundings, etc etc. So, even though I'm not talking to her, I hope that Mollie keeps herself and what's her face safe. Yeah, the city is pretty dangerous and people are forgetting that. Like, a dude just got shot in the apartment above my grandmother's and she lives in a fairly safe section of Harlem. Scary.

Wow. I'm sitting at work, not working again.

Anyway, school's going fabulously well. I'm going to the city on Sunday with my Women's Studies class for Vulvagraphics, it should be a lot of fun so I'm excited about that. My column on Intuit is going pretty well, and a lot of people have emailed me and said it's helping them come to terms with their sexuality so that's really nice. Hmm. What else.

Oh yes, I'm seeing this kid Noah. I was really into Amber, but she reminded me a lot of Mollie, in some not so good ways I suppose. Noah's amazing though, and he's just really supportive and he's been able to be there for me in certain ways that Mollie wasn't, and I'm sure that wasn't at all intentional. It's really nice though, he came to my coming out panel which was really nice and he sat right there in the front. He's a nice guy, he's a feminist and loves talking politics... He's really amazing. What irritates me is that it's quite hard to trust him as much as I want to, I'm not in a hurry to dive into another relationship, but I'd like to trust him more. I honestly believe that what's stopping me is the fact that Mollie really truly hurt me in a way that I haven't been hurt before. I haven't thought about her or the situation much, but last night I did. She broke up with me last month or something like that, and I'm fine with that now, I am. But I realized that I placed more trust in my relationship with her than I ever did with David or any other person and although it didn't always seem like it, I made myself extremely vulnerable to her. With what she did, all my trust just went down the drain and it makes me sad because I did consider her to be a very close friend, now it's just like, *shrug*. Also, a part of me just feels like she changed a lot and there just wasn't room for me in her life anymore. People change I suppose.

I'd love to maintain a friendship with her, but what is a friendship without trust? I wonder what winter break will be like. I hope she's doing well. I also realized that although we had our ups and downs, I grew a lot throughout the relationship. I don't really talk about myself much anymore (excluding my personal journal) and overall I'm a better active listener. I'm definitely more open, especially with my column, and almost everyone I know, including my family, know that I no longer identify as straight. That was a really big move for me and that took time. Sometimes I wish she had been a lot more patient, I think that during a large extent of our relationship I felt really pressured, because when someone's not ready to be out, no matter how much they love someone, they won't be.

What else has progressed? Oh yes, being able to talk openly about my sexuality with my mother. That's progressed a lot and she's come a long way. So that's really nice. Oh yes, and being more open visibly. I remember when Amber and I were going on dates and stuff, there was this one time we were just walking on the quad and she held my hand and I remembered the times when Mollie would want me to hold her hand and I'd be too scared, well now it's just like whatever, you know? It's really nice to not feel so pressured. I guess I just really was not as comfortable as I find myself now, and being comfortable is a really nice thing.

Oh, I'm going to Denmark after next semester! Which is really exciting for me and I'm applying to go to Manchester next fall and for the Washington, D.C. study group next spring. I definitely don't feel like being on campus junior year, not in the least. And I'm doing an internship spring break through the school either in D.C. or NYC. I really want it to be in D.C. because I'm so excited for the National Young Feminist Leadership Conference! Oh boy.

I'm still thinking of transferring to Columbia, but maybe I'll stick it out here. I'm not sure yet, if I go abroad all of next year, what would be the point of me transferring? Yo, I'm so ready to graduate.

Oh and a bit of kinda depressing news. My roomate, Carissa, got quarantined two days ago because she has legit swine flu. I called my parents and they flipped the biggest shit in the world, it was really sad. Anyway, the Health Center told me to keep watching my temperature. When I woke up this morning I had a really bad cough and my throat's extremely sore. I'll keep checking myself over the weekend and if my temperature increases, I'll definitely give them a call. I just don't want to develop teh swine. Ugh.

This has been a busy busy week. I had my first Budget Allocations Committee for my BSU proposal and it went extremely well. And I saw Evan! I'm going again on Sunday for SORT which I'm excited about. We had our first meeting today and there were so many new freshman there. Amy Brown even came! She went to NFA as well, and she's from Newburgh too, obviously. I've been doing so much reading for classes and whatnot that I haven't even had time to write in my normal journal let alone on LJ.

Right now I'm reading Feminism in our Time, which is the most interesting book ever. It compromises entries from Audre Lorde, Gloria Steinem, The Civil Rights Act VII, etc. It's very good. I love women's studies so so so much. Damn. Oh, and I had a meeting today with this group called The Network which is like the peer counseling support group for victims of sexual assault and abuse and whatnot on campus, and I'm going to be beginning this training to be a volunteer for the Liberty Resource Center's (in Syracuse) sexual assualt/violence hotline. So I'm really looking forward to that. Oh, and Michael Steele's coming tomorrow, as part of Diversity Week, which is like a slap in the face... and this event was planned by the Dean of Diversity who happens to be an ass. Anyway, I'll write more about him tomorrow or Friday. Oh, and tomorrow I'm also going to X Bar which is a gay club in Syracuse. It's going to be me, Darius, Catherine, Lee, Eugene, Olivia, Christine, Veronica, and a whole bunch of other LAMBDA people. I heard it's a really great club, so that should be fun. Also, I need to start working on my column for Intuit... I'll tackle that this weekend I think.

So, I spoke with Mollie last night. I listened to what she had to say and absorbed it. Later on, Nory IMed me because she said that she had noticed that my statuses were being passive aggressive and she wanted to know what was going on, or what had gone on with Mollie and I. So, I told her what happened, or what seemed to have happened. I thought about it a lot today actually. I semi-understand where she's coming from, but from what happened with Raenna, I still consider it cheating. I mean, I guess the definition of cheating is relative because she didn't see it that way, I don't know why but that's the way it is I suppose. I just happen to believe that just because you feel you're not emotionally in a relationship anymore, doesn't mean that the fact of... conceptually being in a relationship makes cheating ok or makes a situation like that not cheating. At least not in my eyes anyway. I feel that I'm overcoming all of this very well, but I don't want our relationship to be defined by this. I want to remember the positives of our relationships, that's what I'm trying to think about- it makes a little bit easier to move on. I hope that when we both look back on this relationship we feel that it was one filled with a lot of love and emotion, and not just see it for the downs that it had. Yeah. And I hope that when Mollie looks back on this relationship, that she doesn't look back filled with regret or anything, or bitterness. I hope she looks back thinking that this relationship was a good one filled with a lot of lessons, filled with ups and downs, an expression of love, etc. I hope that we can move on from this and be the best friends we were before we began dating. I just want my best friend back. I know that it will take time to forgive her, but I still hope to be her best friend once we move past this... thing. Yeah, and I really don't want anymore drama and whatnot, it's too stressful.

With that said, I was doing work in the Wmst center when Mollie texted and asked me to stop telling people about our business and how I wasn't so quick to tell people we were together, but I'm quick to talk when there's trouble. Actually, when we first got together I told Catherine, Darius, Joyce, Angelica, Kate, Bashiyra, Leo, Kari,my dad and Manny. I think that was a lot for the time. One thing I thought about today was that it was really hard for me to open up to people. Not only was this my first relationship with a girl, but this was like the first time I'd openly acknowledged that I had feelings for a girl and I had to actively think about my sexuality for the first time... I think that's what made it so hard for me, looking back on things now. I think Mollie tried to be patient and understand, and I think to some extent she did understand, but at times I wish she had been more patient because I remember at the time I felt that I was being pushed really hard by her to be more open. I don't think it was an intentional or anything, but it scared me at times I think. I don't know. But yeah, she said that and I didn't realize she was talking about Nory, then she told me about Nory and yeah. So, she said that in my post on LJ I had spewed hate speech and made her out to be the enemy before I or the crew even found out about Raenaa. Now, in my post on LJ I was ranting, but I was going off of her text messages ( still ranting). I think I had a right to rant, I was upset and that's what people do when they're upset right? And who ever reads my posts other then like... two people?  Well yeah, I ranted but I don't think it was hate speech. And yes, I told Bashiyra, Leo, and Catherine because I needed someone to talk to. So she basically said that she felt I had rallied the crew against her, spewed hate speech, and made her the enemy and that now I'm moving onto her friends too (i.e. Nory). So, I mean I can see that she's upset, but I don't feel I did any of those things. I want the crew to listen to her side of the story, because one-sided stories are never good, ever. I told her that I felt they were pretty neutral when it came to this situation, and I told her to talk to them, and she said she tried and now she doesn't have any friends. Well, I want them to listen to her side... I feel really badly, but I needed to talk to them. So, that is what it is and I hope all of this is over soon. Yes. And I hope ALL of us can move past this quickly.

Oh, and I'm really glad that Mollie introduced me to Twitter because it's absolutely amazing. Thanks Mollie.

Yeah, so now I need to finish reading and whatnot. I'm outtttttie.

 Writing on livejournal is kinda fun. So, I officially made Political Science my major today. I met with my advisor and went over a shitload of stuff that I really can't remember right now.

Today was an extremely busy day. A lot of drama went down at the radio station, but I don't care to speak of that now. I'm really enjoying reading Machiavelli. I can see how his points can be applied to leadership, management, domestic affairs, etc. I had a very interesting conversation with Darius awhile ago about how I feel China is abusing human rights, and about other controversial issues.

I'm so tired, like, really exhausted. So, I'm going to sleep in tomorrow and when I wake up, I'll wake up. I really like Rachel Maddow, she's just so... damn intelligent, and intelligence is so incredibly sexy. I had so much more to write earlier, but I've since forgotten. Oh well.

And now a poem:

The constant ebb and flow of this

Relationship

Pours salt into the wounds of my heart.

 

The constant action of walking across shards

Of broken glass and eggshells

Is ripping my heart apart.

 

Not knowing what to say.

Speechless I find myself,

With no words left on my tongue.

A bit too late to turn back the hands of time

Much damage has been done.

I really love being active on campus. I just love when I have a million things to do. It stresses me out a bit when I think of it, but by the end of the week I feel so productive and satisfied. I loveeeee it.

I watched Iron Jawed Angels today and it was amazing, as it always is. It just really helps me to appreciate that these women struggled for the right to vote, you know? I'm privileged to have a very... loud and persistent voice on this campus, what was formerly an all-male campus mind you. It's amazing, and I won't give it up as long as I'm here.

Since my position's been changed here at the center I am now the liasion between the center and SORT, the center and the university's administration and between the center and ALANA ( the cultural center). I think that's really awesome. If I thought I had a say in things last semester, I'll have a big say this semester.

Today I met with my advisor from last year to discuss like officially officially declaring my major (primary). So we talked about who I want my advisors to be because I haven't yet switched advisors as of yet. Anyway, I decided that I want Michael Johnston to be my advisor for Political Science and for either Meika Loe or Ulla Grapard ( Denmark trip!) to be my advisor for Women's Studies. Political Science will probably end up being my primary major because that department is really really huge and it's easier to get into classes if professors know it's your primary major, or at least one of your majors. I'm really excited about this. Yay! Professor Johnston just emailed me back and we're going to be meeting tomorrow to discuss advising and whatnot. I'm also meeting with Grapard tomorrow, but that's about the whole Herstory project. I've chosen these three people because they hold so much prestige in their fields. Just this year Professor Johnston won the Grawemeyer award for Ideas Improving World Order. Like, he's so big in the political science field and he's been all over AND I took Political Corruption with him last semester which turned out to be a challenging but exciting class. Also, Professor Loe is really well established and respected in the fields of Sociology and Women's Studies... Yup. I feel really good about this decision and many others.

What else? Oh, I'm going to be an ambassador at NFA for the fall, Thanksgiving, and Winter Breaks. Which is really exciting, plus, I'll get paid! Money's always nice. And I have my first big tour on Monday at 12:30 which is great because that's when the campus is buzzing with activity. On Friday I'm going to this elderly ward of the state home somewhere near Syracuse to do some volunteer work. I've never done this type of volunteer work with the elderly before, so that should be a different experience.

I'm really really excited about this year. Like, I'm occupied... I'm creating change... I'm volunteering... I'm excelling in my majors. It's awesome! Although some things aren't going as smoothly as I'd like them to, overall everything's going great. I feel so good about this year. Everytime I think about it this... shit faced grin comes across my face. Woo. Too much writing.

Now I'm going to go finish my stats h.w., meet with the other people who are going to this elderly home tomorrow, and then I'm going to join Emily and LAMBDA members ( the LGBTQ social group) to watch Outrage at the theater. I'm really glad they brought it here, it's basically about like... closeted gay politicians who propogate and support anti-gay legislation. It should be very interesting. Yay!

Great day and hopefully an even better day tomorrow. Thank God it's almost Friday. Woo.

 Right now I'm watching the Republican response to Obama's address. I missed his address, bummer. I was at Spires showing of Lord of the Flies, we're comparing it to Darwin for our first paper- which has already been assigned, wtf. Anyway, the student activities fair was today and I tabled for SORTTTTTTTTT and BSU and Advocates (Gay-Straight Alliance). What's really really exciting is that we got over 200 something signatures for Advocates, which is a shit load more than we had last year, now we'll see who actually shows up to meetings. I signed up for some other groups I'm interested in and my schedule is such that I'll actually be able to participate in them. 

They are: Pre-law society, Mock trial (!!!!), the Student Lecture Forum, Peer Health Educators (did that 2nd semester), Model UN, The Network (a peer support group for sexual assault victims), and Sidekicks which is basically a Big Brothers/ Big Sisters type group. Yay! I'm really excited for what this semester and this year will bring. Woo. It feels good to be back in school again and having my mind occupied.

Oh, my mom's so annoying. I haven't gotten paid yet because student accounting keeps messing up when all student workers are supposed to get paid so now they're saying we're getting paid next Friday instead of this Friday. And I need to pay my car insurance, and my mom's all like, "You better transfer your money over when you get paid"... In that really naggy as voice she does all the time. Ugh, and she and my dad aren't talking because they were fighting about paying my tuition again and so once again I'm left playing fucking phone operator. It's whatever though, I like talking to my daddy =).

So now, I'm going to continue watching MSNBC, and eating these chicken tenders. Oh, and I really love Statistics. I realized that today while we were doing standard deviations, funny I didn't like standard deviations in high school but in college everything seems so much more exciting. Tomorrow in my Intro Wmst class, we're watching Iron Jawed Angels which will make like the fourth time I've seen that movie. Woo! I'm excited though, and I'm really excited to do the Herstory too. I need to get on that, oh and I need to start coordinating stuff for Breast Cancer Awareness for the center. I'm sleepy. 

Dena outtt.

So, I decided to write a nice little early post because I was thinking so much in during my first class.

We're reading Machiavelli in my Global Peace and War class which is like... the foundation of modern political thought. I was thinking that it's so interesting that although a person may die, they can actually live on through their works which are widely read. Like, for example, Shakespeare and Sophocles are physically dead but they live on through the works they've produced. I don't know why I find that so amazing, but I do.

In my intro to Women's Studies course we're supposed to be doing this project called Herstory. Basically it's like... combining feminist theory with experiences which is essentially what Women's studies is. It combines theory with the experiences of different women. We have to write about a woman over the age of 50. I've been thinking about writing about my mother, my mother's mother, or the director of the center Ulla Grapard ( she's the one sponsoring the extended study trip to Denmark!). Anyway, the problem with writing about my mother is that, I know a lot about her life already because I've had many talks with her but I don't think she's ready to fully open up about certain things she hasn't spoken about, but has hinted to. On my grandmother, she was born in the 30s, a year after the American stock market crashed, she lived through historic events like WWII, the Holocaust, the Civil Rights Movement, the Women's Rights Movement, the "Black is Beautiful" movement, etc. She's a very interesting person, but she's so incredibly shy that I feel it would be difficult pulling out her life story from her. Lastly, I don't know Ulla very well although I've spoken to her many times. Her experience is different because she's from Denmark ( I think... yeah) and so she has a totally different experience than my grandmother had in Jamaica. I don't know, I'll make a decision sooner or later.

I was also thinking that I haven't been this unstressed in a really really long time and I absolutely love it. I feel so free and estatic, I just feel really good and I hope this feeling lasts. Also, I realized that the more I think about transferring the more I come to appreciate this school and it's opportunities. I've met so many amazing people here and I feel that a lot of the time I probably take them for granted, no, I know I take them for granted. But isn't that normal? People take close friends/family/ whatever for granted all the time and it seems that when you lose them or grow apart from them, you realize how important they are to you. I feel like that's what would happen if I transferred; when I got to whatever school I'd realize that I'd left behind amazing friends and Professors here. I feel more comfortable in my own skin on this campus than I ever have before (granted I've only been here for one year) and although I'm in the middle of nowhere, the fact that I can actually leave has made it so much better. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and that feeling of having that freedom to do so feels very good.

Lastly, I really love Professor Spires' class.  He challenges me to think and I really like that. Like, in class now we're reading Darwin and even though I don't really like Darwin that much, the discussions we have in class are amazing, absolutely amazing. I really love that class. It's a shame Spires only teaches Western Traditions and Challenge of Modernity because he's a great Professor. Oh, and I just found out that the school is trying to propogate a more... global view of things, so now all the core classes are supposed to be providing not just a domestic focus, but a global perspective as well. I think that's really really awesome. Good job Colgate, I love you more for it.

So now, I'm going to work on my Stats h.w. again, and I'm gonna keep doing me! =)

I feel so good right now. So, I just finished talking to Heather and we were talking about my internship for Women's Health and whatnot and both came to the conclusion that the multicultural affairs intern is looking really really good right now. So, that's my new position- the multicultural affairs intern. AND I still get to perform some of the Women's Health duties, which is great.

I'm kind of numb now to what Mollie did. I'm not angry because I understand this is her first year and whatnot, but I'm sad. Best friends don't do shit like this to each other, at least I don't think they do. I told her that I lost both respect and trust for her and all she could say was, I don't care what you lost for me. Well, ok. 

So yeah. She's not going to be a part of my life anymore, or at least for a long time. It's kinda sad now that we're living near each other. Bummer. And it's ironic because on Sunday (the day she broke up w/ me) she was like, oh it's not like I'm not a part of your life anymore- well guess what, she was dead wrong. Whatever.

Yeah, so I'm doing very well right now. I'm looking forward to the rest of the week, I'm going to keep my mind occupied. It's going to be great. I'll write later when more occurs.

Yeah, so turns out, Mollie cheated. I kinda figured she had or figured she had at least met someone else- which is usually what happens in college which is understandable.

It's one thing to meet someone else in college, it's a totally different thing to cheat on the person your with, not answer them truthfully when asked and then post about it on LJ. Yeah, and the fact that she probably won't apologize for her infidelity speaks to the person she is. I can't say I'm surprised, but as my best friend she should've told me. I don't understand cheating and cheaters, and I can truthfully say, I guess I never really knew Mollie DeMeio because I didn't find her the cheating type. But so she is.

So, I've decided that because she couldn't be honest and upfront and she's obviously a liar who didn't have much respect for me I'm ending my friendship with her. Yeah, that's that. And I feel good about my decision because she didn't respect me enough to just say she cheated when I asked if there was someone else, and she's just... grimy. So, our friendship's over. And until she apologizes for this cheating shit or whatever she did, she won't be hearing from me anytime soon.

Ok, so I feel SO much better which is fantastic. After lots of self-reflection last night with Darius, Lee, Catherine, and Bashiyra I feel somewhat back to my old self. 

I realized many things:

1. I'm a great person and I do deserve better.
2. I'll be ready for an answer when she's ready to provide one.
3. That I'm still hurt, but that too will pass.
4. That although she hasn't given me any answers as of yet, I know that I probably won't be as close to her as I felt before we even began this relationship.
5. I've lost a lot of trust towards Mollie and some respect. And if she wants to, it's going to take awhile to gain that back.
6. That maybe this is all for the best, for the both of us. Because now she can go be with someone who she doesn't feel all these space-type things towards, and I can be with someone who loves me for who I am and who respects me as well.
7.  I probably shouldn't be as angry as I was before because this is her first relationship and the mistakes she's made here, I'm sure she won't repeat them again, or at least I would hope she wouldn't.

The one thing that really gets me though and that keeps bugging everyone else is this line. When I asked her if it was someone else or if she liked someone else she said: "I live in the greatest city in the world, if there's not someone now, there will be."

Newsflash: When someone asks you if there's someone else, that's the last thing that should ever come out of your mouth. But it's ok, because if there is someone else (which I personally feel there is) I hope they make her happy.

Anywho, I finished setting up for Angelica's brownbag which I 'm excited about. It's about HPV. Oh, and the "Sex Discussed Here" presentation was fantastic as Dorian and Marshall always seem to be.

Lastly something really weird happened both yesterday and this morning. Back in Sept. of last year I kinda liked this kid Evan, I did Leadership Institute with him in August which was really awesome. Anyway, I saw him at the "Sex Discussed Here" and he asked me out on a date, and he was so shy it was adorable. Also, this morning this little freshman named Diana asked me out on a date too, she was like I saw you at the mixer and I've gotten to know you a bit so would you like to go out and catch a movie together sometime? And I was like, "a date?" And she was like, "yeah, a date." Haha. I'm not quite ready to date right now, but I can always just hang out with them for fun I suppose.

My tummy hurts. That means that TOM's almost here. Ew.

Ok, farewell for now.

I wrote her an email even though I wasn't ready to talk to her, but I had to do it. I had too. I need answers.

I really don't understand. I know we've had countless ups and downs and that our relationship had been anything but perfect, but in these times since we've been actively trying to make things work I felt so positive about the relationship. We hadn't fought or fussed, it just felt like smooth sailing and I was so freaking happy. I was happy that we were both enjoying school and that we'd be together for those three or four days in October; happy that we were in love and that everything seemed to be working the way they were supposed to and I trusted that she felt the same way, and now I'm not so positive she did at all.

As much as I'm sitting here trying to make it sense of it all, it still hurts so much. The first person I placed this much trust in hurt me, and I placed even more trust in her. She was the first girl I've ever dated/loved, the first person I ever had sex with, a first in many ways. I placed so much more trust in her because she's my best friend and I didn't think... I don't know. It hurts, it hurts so bad. And I can't help but write on here because this is my only outlet when I'm away from my real journal. It hurts.

Darius said that I have to remember that she's still my friend, and that while I may not be able to completely forgive her I have to in order to maintain a good working relationship. Darius and Catherine are really really good at helping people through tough shit. And they've been here ever since yesterday every step of the way which I really appreciate. I want to forgive because she's my best friend, I just don't feel ready yet. I just want some answers because I really don't understand and I don't know what to think.

I don't even feel angry anymore. I just feel this deep deep hurt. Like, hurt that turns into depression kind of hurt. I feel like I'm having a bad dream and I'm going to wake up and we're going to be as happy as (or what I thought we were) we were a couple of days ago and we're still going to be looking forward to October and we're going to be fine.

What's sad is that I'm not dreaming at all...

So, I didn't go to my Global Peace and War class because I swear I'm getting sick. I woke up to get dressed for it and I felt like I had slammed into a brick wall multiple times. So, after classes today I think I'm going to hit up the health center and get some medicine, because right now I feel pretty damn shitty.

I monitored the center last night and helped Angelica and her partner Dan set up things for her HPV brown bag which is supposed to take place tomorrow. Anyway, Catherine and Julio (another RA) needed to have emergency meetings for all this shit that went down Saturday night. Since the door to the intern office was open I heard some of the residents talking about a sexual assault that had happened while they waited for Catherine to arrive... That's crazy. Anyway I think that today I'm going to find out of Catherine even knew about it. I know that victims don't always reach out to their RAs for help, but I'm going to ask anyway. Which reminds me. So like... a week or two ago, I started this training to become a sexual assault outreach person and it's called the Network. It's like a group of people on campus a victim can go and speak to and you come with them to the hospital or police station. I'm really excited about that. There's more assaults on this campus then people realize, so it'll be good that there will be a bigger support system for assault victims.

What else? Oh yes, so since I'm not going to see Mollie in October anymore I figured that I'd either stay here and chill with like everyone else, go visit my dad, or visit Leo and Bashiyra. I told them to check their schedules and see what they're doing around that time besides going to classes and whatnot. If I were to stay on campus Joyce said she was planning on coming to visit us. That would be awesome. Or Darius, Catherine, Julio, Lee, and I could take a road trip to like... Canada or something.

What else? Oh yes, so there's this new course that's going to be offered next semester called Sexuality and Law and I really really really want to take it... really badly. So, I'm going to talk to the Professor either today or tomorrow. And things are looking really good for the Denmark extended study trip. Also, Angelica and Dan are starting a webzine called Intuit that's supposed to counter the Maroon News since it's not all that good. They approached me and asked me to write a column on questioning my sexuality, and the whole believing I was straight thing until I fell in love with a woman deal. So I'm going to do it, it shall be interesting. Dan and Angelica are nice, like, before they left Dan was like do you want to have a smushed hug? And I was like sure, and then they were like don't worry we don't need space from you. I thought that was cute, but it made me sad at the same time.

It's funny. Like, you always feel that relationships are going to last forever, or relatively long and then they don't... I was thinking last night what could've possibly incited this and now I'm starting to think that maybe she was falling out of love this whole time and she hadn't realized it, or maybe she had and just didn't say anything... I don't know. That's why I need answers whenever I decide to speak to her again. Catherine asked me last night if I'll ever forgive her. I mean, sure I will eventually, but now it's just hurt, pain, shock, and anger. I'm not normally one to be upset or hurt for very long, but this I probably won't ever forget as sad as that sounds. I just want to know why. I hope she doesn't do this to the next person she's in a relationship with, that would suck ass. And I know that for myself, I'm a outgoing, intelligent woman. I will find someone else who won't do this to me, or at least who I hope won't. And I'll find someone who won't feel pressured to be in a relationship w/ me, or who won't feel tied down, or who won't feel like they need all this non-physical space from me. I'll find someone new and they will treat me with the love and respect that I deserve. I'm just sad that this all happened, and like Catherine and everyone else, I'm still shocked because everything seemed so fine and perfect a couple of days ago. And for the record everyone, if you're feeling something like what Mollie felt, that's not the kind of thing you want to keep hidden from your partner, even if you think you can handle it. Trust me, they'll be far less pissed off and hurt if you share it with them sooner rather then waiting for the time when everything seems fine to throw it in their face.

Also, I realized that I'm in my sophomore year of college. I guess this is kind of a good thing in some ways. I suppose. I need to focus on what I need to do because in two years I'm graduating. I'm still not quite sure I'm going to transfer, I'm still thinking about it though. We'll see.

Yes, so now I'm going to finish getting dressed and then I'm off to class, the health center, and then SEX DISCUSSED HERE with Dorian and Marshall. They're the people who did I <3 Female Orgasm. I loveeeeeeeee them.

Edit: I totally just found articles with my Professor Meika Loe (Women's Studies) online. She's so kickass:

www.motherjones.com/politics/2004/09/rise-and-rise-viagra

www.rhrealitycheck.org/user/meika-loe




 

I promised myself I wasn't going to do this. But I'm at work right now and I obviously don't have my journal with me. So, Mollie totally fucked me over today.

Last night I had this feeling in my gut that something was off coming from Mollie's end... I couldn't place my finger on it but I knew something was wrong. I woke up last night from this mini dream thing I had that I was either losing her or had lost her already, I texted her and wrote that I had this dream about this and when I woke up for about the third time this morning she had written back "I'm sorry d =(". After I saw that I got out my journal and wrote some, and I was like wow, here I was thinking that everything was going so freaking well, and there's some disconnect coming from her. So, I asked her what was going on, and she was like, "Oh do you want me to tell you on the phone or text it to you?" Well, being the stressed-ridden person that I am I told her to text it. Oh yes, and when I told her that I was scared from the dream she wrote, "Just cuz you dreamt it doesn't make it true". Which is really ironic given what she said next:

Ok. I've just been thinking and I wanted to say this on the phone but I don't want you to stress all day. But I guess, since I got to college, I mean, I need space and our relationship is a bit too much pressure. And I'm not being fair to you to stay with you when I feel this way. You're my best friend and lately I've been feeling that's what you're meant to be, my best friend. I'm sorry Denasaur. I love you, but I need space...

... Not physical space. Just... Idk. I'm sorry Dena. This is just how I feel. I don't wanna feel tied down...

...I have been thinking about this before I even left.

...And the double slap in the face: I live in the greatest city in the world, if there's not someone now, there will be. I'm sorry Dena. You've changed me immensely in the past year.  Thanks, ok? Even if you're mad. I'm sorry.

Isn't that some shit? Well, here's what I say to that: I want to know how Mollie could've even felt "pressured" or "tied down" by our relationship. It's not like we talked every night like we used to, it's not like I said she had to refer to me as her girl friend, I never even said that I'd be mad if she had crushes on other people, it just was what it was. Personally, I feel the reason she doesn't want to be "tied down" is because she probably has some other girl that she's beginning to like and I'm getting in the way... I wouldn't know what else to think, because absolutely none of what this girl said made any sense to me whatsoever. Lastly, I don't think she knows what the fuck she wants. And I wonder if she realizes that she's losing someone really special, because after today I'm never ever going to date Mollie ever again in my life. Best friends aren't supposed to hurt you and make you feel like a fucking fool, and that's how I've felt ever since I talked to her this morning.

I don't like feeling like I've been strung along on something that's not working. When I talked to Catherine about it and showed her the texts, she was like everything seemed so fine yesterday and how Mollie even said something about possibly coming up in February. That's how sudden her low blow was, so sudden that everyone around me that knows about the relationship is not only shocked but utterly dumbfounded because things seemed to be going so fucking well. She claims that she's been feeling this way and she didn't say anything sooner because she thought she could handle it, that's a load of shit. I think everything she said is a load of shit. I understand that people's feelings change, but hot diggity damn, everything seemed perfect two days ago. So I'm trying to figure out what the fuck happened. What the fuck?

While my anger has somewhat subsided, I'm still very much upset and deeply hurt. I don't trust her as much as I did before, and I felt that I've even lost some respect for her... I hate to say it, but that's how I feel now. I'm angry that I went through so much for her regarding my mother and opening up to myself, and this is how she screws me over? And the shittiest part is, it doesn't even seem like she's fazed by any of this... I almost feel like she's been planning this for awhile. I'm not sure it's true, but that's how things seem.

I feel like a fucking fool. And I'm angry that I let someone get so close to my heart and she fucked over my emotions, and she says she's my best friend. That hurts, and it hurts deep. I'm upset by all these things. I'm upset that I wrote her the longest fucking letter ever with the longest love poem ever, sealed it, put a stamp on it, and had it sitting on my desk waiting to be mailed off on Tuesday. I'm upset that we just had our 11 month anniversary and whatnot on the 3rd, and 3 fucking days later she screws me over like this. 

I'm upset and I want some fucking answers. Never again will I let someone that close, and never again will I trust someone that much. All my friends are telling me that I deserve better treatment than this, that I deserve someone better. And if it hadn't been for them comforting me today, I don't know what I would've done. I'm so... hurt. And so... disappointed. I just can't believe she's doing this, and I'm not even sure she knows why she did this.

I don't know when I'm going to talk to her again, I don't know when I'm going to be ready to see her. I have no freaking clue. I don't know how long it will take, I just don't know anything anymore. I just know I'm deeply hurt, angry, and that I've lost trust and respect for her. That's all I know right now. I don't like feeling this way, and I absolutely don't appreciate people toying with my emotions and for that I say: Fuck you Mollie. Fuck you.

Oh yes, and my roommate from last year Catherine cut her hair. Ok, more like she buzzed it, but it looks so amazing! And I'm so glad that I was able to be a part of that experience. I'm really glad that she, Darius, Lee, and Bashiyra were around today, because they really gave me some good advice and helped me feel a little less angry.

Now, stats h.w.

Wow wow and wow. So, I just went on Trevorspace to change my relationship status right? I just happened to click on Mollie's picture and come to find out her last visit was on September 1st, and her relationship status says single. Um. Wow. Now, I don't know if she did this on her last visit, or if she did it before, but what the fuck. I'm not a fucking fool, and I will not be played for one and certainly not by her. That's it.

Now, stats h.w. for real.

Ok, so currently I'm waiting to meet with this girl Rachel whom I'm doing a brown bag with on Tuesday. The brown bag is about "The F Word"- feminism. I'm really excited to do it, since it's my first ever! Anyway, it's so cold in the room I'm sitting in, like this school is attempting to turn me into an icicle.

I did limited programming for WRCU for two hours today. I only intended on doing one hour, but decided to add on an extra one because I still had more music to play. It's amazing how quickly time flies when you're broadcasting via radio. I absolutely love it. I played a Michael Jackson tribute and threw in some fun facts. About 45 minutes into my second hour the switchboard and my Itunes fucked up simultaneously. It was really bad, so instead of having what I should've had by my side ( some back up cds) I just went on rambling on and on about the technical difficulties I was suffering from (which is bad radio). I knew this, but I did it anyway, so now I'm mad at myself. Anyway, I wasn't broadcasting through the coop, just online so I guess that's kind of good. After I got my Itunes back on the air, I played this song called "Give into Me". I told Mollie that it reminded me of us, not literally but something about it just reminded me of us. Anyway, I think she took the lyrics literally because she was just like, oh you seem to get your kicks from hurting me? Jeez Dena. Well, I've never listened to all the lyrics before, but I like the chorus and the instrumentals in the song just remind me of us, is that so bad? I think not. So, things aren't always meant to be taken literally. And then when I tried to tell her she did that "uh huh" thing which to me always signifies that she's tuned out and is no longer interested in what I'm saying. So whatever, that's that.

Where is this girl Rachel? She needs to get here soon because I have other things to do. I wanted today to be a lazy day, but it's turning out to be quite busy. Oh, and I was really disappointed today when I went to Frank and there weren't any omelettes or Belgian waffles. Whatever. Also, I need to find my advisor at some point this week. I want to talk to him about how I can get into this Women's Studies extended study trip to Denmark for spring semester. So the Professor who has this trip is Professor Ulla Grapard, who is also the director of the Women's Studies Center. (Yay, this girl finally showed up, I'll be back.) Ok, so the trip is in the spring semester and is fro like... may 18 to June 6 or something like that, it's a month long. So there's like a seminar incorporated into the spring semester and sophomores are allowed to take part in it, so I'm going to try really hard to get in. Also, if I stay at Colgate for the remainder of my college career I want to go on the Geneva study group for my fall/spring semester of my Jr. year. It's really awesome because you do like this fellowship at the ICC (International Criminal Court) and you go to hearings at the Hague, and then you take classes taught by the Professor you went on the trip with, and the rest of the time you have to explore Europe, Switzerland, etc. So, I really really want to do that. Damnit, I will do it!

Ok, now I'm going to go find something to do with myself.

Dena out.